Is your flatmate's girlfriend/boyfriend over so often it feels like you have a third flatmate? Having someone else in your space can be annoying, especially when they’re not paying rent. Fortunately, by talking to your flatmate you can set clear boundaries and work on a solution. Read through this article for a comprehensive list of tips that you can use when talking to your flatmate about how often their boyfriend is over.

Have an open dialog as soon as possible to avoid resentment

If you and your flatmate have to live together for a while, talking about any issues will make it much easier. Make a plan to talk to your flatmate ASAP to avoid making the problem worse.

• It’s your living space too, and you’re allowed to bring up any issues that you’re having with your shared home.

Talk about how you feel to avoid making your flatmate defensive. When you’re describing the issue at hand, try not to assign any blame or make it sound like your flatmate is at fault. Instead, talk about how you’ve been feeling and what emotions you’re going through lately. For instance:

• "When your boyfriend is over all the time, I feel like I can’t relax in my own space."
• "Having your boyfriend over 24/7 makes me feel like I’m living with 2 flatmates instead of 1."

Be clear why you have an issue

Maybe he eats your food, hogs the bathroom, or takes over the communal space in your home. Whatever it is, spell it out clearly so that your flatmate knows exactly where you’re coming from. For example:

• "It’s not that I don’t like Jeremy, because I do. But when I’m trying to get ready for work and he’s in the shower for 45 minutes, it makes me a little angry."
• "When we buy groceries, we only buy them for 2 people. When Henry is over all the time, we run out of food way faster, which isn’t fair to me."

Let your flatmate know whats okay with you

Maybe you’re fine with their boyfriend coming over 2 or 3 times a week, but not every night. Or, maybe it’s okay for him to stay over whenever, but he can’t eat your food or hog the bathroom anymore. It’s up to you to decide your boundaries, but make sure your flatmate knows what they are.

• "Could we limit how often your boyfriend stays the night? Maybe you could go to his place every other day instead of always being here."
• "If he’s going to eat our food, he needs to contribute to the grocery bill. I can’t afford to feed an extra person."

Let your flatmate speak their mind on the issue

There might be reasons why their boyfriend is over so often or why your flatmate doesn’t love going to their place. Listen to your flatmate and try to understand them, but don’t back down about setting your boundaries.

• Make eye contact and nod along as your flatmate talks so they know you’re listening.
• Try to practice reflective listening skills, where you repeat back what your flatmate is saying to make sure you understand.

Come to a conclusion that you can both live with

You might not get exactly what you want, and your flatmate might not, either. However, you can both throw out suggestions and come up with an agreement that works for the both of you. You don’t have to be best friends at the end of this, but you do have to live together still.

• For instance, if your flatmate wants their boyfriend over every day but you’d prefer twice a week, you could compromise and say he can come over every other day.
• If your flatmate wants your boyfriend to have free rein of the house but you’d rather he not be in the common areas, you could make a schedule where he’s allowed to hang out in the living room a few times a week instead of every day.

Come up with a solution

You might suggest that their boyfriend only comes over every other day, or that he only spends the night on weekends. That way, you can get some much-needed time away from him, and your flatmate knows that he’s still welcome within reason.

Have you remembered to ask your flatmate these questions?